Standing Up To Dad

Imagine being a ranch or family farm business partner with a downright mean and critical father who is used to running the whole show. Imagine you love ranching or farming and want to stay in Dad's good graces so you can take over someday.

You understand Dad and can put up with his abuse. The lack of decision-making and give-and-take in the relationship is a given. You can stuff your feelings and try to get by the best you can. Is there a problem?

The problem is your unhappy wife. She dislikes the lack of control over your lives. She doesn't like your unwillingness to confront your parents about your problems - the demeaning treatment, the lack of management experiences and the lack of clarity about the business.

Her unhappiness mounts. She threatens to leave if something isn't done. She pushes you hard to stand up to Dad. Stand up to Dad - that is very nervy stuff when Dad's personality has intimidated you all your life. You would rather eat nails.

This scenario is commonplace in family businesses where work on the ranch or farm comes ahead of personal relationships. Family doctors, attorneys, clergy and mental health professionals often hear the unhappiness of young families caught in this situation.

How do you get the courage to deal with strong, forceful parents who don't think they are doing anything wrong? How do you establish healthy boundaries between your own family and your parents whose parenting and management styles have been intrusive and controlling over the years?

• Work out your differences as a couple. Form a united front on what you want to see changed before confronting any issues. Don't side with your parents and agree that your wife is an unreasonable troublemaker. If you don't agree that the situation is a problem, consider marriage counseling to resolve your differences.

Counseling may have the additional benefit of clarifying your thoughts or summoning the courage to act. Role-playing ahead can help the issue from being swept away by Dad's dismissing manner. After years of not confronting Dad, he won't be used to it and neither will you. Be prepared to deal with his usual way of ignoring you.

• Be prepared to leave. People don't like to change unless they must. Consider your options, including leaving, if you don't get change. Believe in your options and be prepared to act on them. A person without self- confidence and an alternate plan won't have much bargaining power.

You will have credibility if you have thought your plan and your parents have to take you seriously. Lower your fear on how they might react. Either way, their response will aid you in your decision.

• Bring up problems. Don't have your wife be the spokesperson for your family's unhappiness. Your parents will take complaints more seriously if you are the one convincingly insisting on change.

State your positive intent and goal in bringing up the subject. Use respectful body language. Find out on how they feel things are going. Listen to their side of things. They'll be more likely to listen to you.

When you have the floor, politely interrupt their interruptions. Ask them to summarize your main points and keep at it until they truly understand. This may be difficult because Dad and Mom may not be good listeners.

Talk about the good things they are doing and the appreciation you have for what they have done. Use mild terms in describing the problem and give them some wriggle room to save face without losing the main point. Be specific about the problem behavior and the changes you want.

Be calm and respectful, but firm and insistent. Be repetitive and allow time for your parents to digest what is being expected and to process the problem. Here is a sample dialogue.

"When we are working together and when you think I make a mistake, you are not shy about scolding me in very unpleasant terms. It hurts my feelings and I feel like a small kid. Lately I've been getting angry.

"This is what I would like to see happen. I don't want to hear any profanity or name calling when we are working together. I want you to learn to be more careful with your words and temper. When it happens, I'll point out what you are doing. If it continues, I think we should stop whatever we are doing until you treat me with dignity and respect. what do you think?"

Try to get an agreement or commitment for change. This way, when it happens again, you can remind Dad of his agreement. Don't let the issue drop or revert to the old ways of relating. Recognize that changing might be hard for him and that this was the way his father probably treated him.

Use this format to bring up other things you need for the relationship to work - long term commitments, opportunities for decision-making, an exchange of ideas on problems versus giving orders, etc.

I've seen some amazing things happen through communication. People can change when they finally understand that the old ways aren't acceptable anymore.