I received some interesting responses to the column based on a letter by a single father from North Dakota. I include these comments from other single dads who either raised or are raising children on their own.
Single dad No. 1
“Call me lucky, but I have had very few of the problems that you have faced as a single parent. I was able to find three support groups — Beginning Experience, AA and our church.
“Also, my attorney was very supportive of my decision to seek custody. While my friends were supportive, had they not been, the decision was mine to make, not theirs.
“As far as on-the-job discrimination, have you sat down and talked to these people? Do you really need to work for them? As far as the ‘daddy’ track goes, how about the daddy’s track record? Is he of a quality that he should be treated differently than his fellow employees?
“My children were 1 and 3 years old when I divorced and became a single parent. Babysitting is a problem, but not an unsurmountable one. My children are in my care at all times, except 50 hours a week when I am working. I do all the laundry, housework, shopping, school, etc.
“I agree, relationships are a difficult matter. But, I will never endanger or jeopardize the nice homelife I have with my kids just to lessen my work load.
“From observation, I see very few step-relationships of a superior quality. There are exceptions, and I am always looking. Some women flinch when I say I am a single parent. They think I am looking for a new mom.
“At no time has my masculinity been threatened. I smoke, swear, drive a four-wheel drive, and leave my underwear on the bathroom floor, ‘just like one of the guys.’ But, I am also a very loving and affectionate dad.
“I must be out of the norm. At no time have I experienced hostility from anyone except my exmother-in-law. I also don’t feel that I have been a threat to any established network of single mothers.
“Society can continue to favor the female in parenting matters, but it will not keep me from being as good a parent as possible. My heart goes out to any parent who longs for their children, be they male or female.
“I have been a single dad for over four years. I agree with some of what you said in your letter, and disagree with other parts of it. All we can do is love our children and provide for them to the best of our abilities.
“We’re fathers, not mothers and fathers. My message for society would be, ‘Leave me and my children alone and let us be happy.’”
A South Dakota dad
Single dad No. 2
“I too am a divorced single father raising my son and daughter on a farm. I hear what you are saying and agree with you.
“Be patient and give your children all the love you can. The years go by so fast that soon they will be grown and be out on their own.
“I get some help from family members who live chose by and I trade off car pooling with neighbor ladies for hauling kids around.
“It’s lonesome sometimes but I feel a great deal of satisfaction in doing what I do and I do a good job of it. The kids are 'old enough to help too.”
A Minnesota dad
Single dad No. 3
“Much of what the North Dakota man had to say expressed feelings and experiences I also had. At the outset, I had vowed to myself that I would not date or introduce a wife into the family structure.
“I had seen too many of my friends remarry after a divorce, and the friction I saw I did not want in our own family.
“The fears I experienced prior to receiving custody of my daughters centered on my being ill-equipped to be a single parent and the tremendous responsibility associated with being the one and only person who was making decisions which would affect my children for the rest of their lives.
“There was no one to talk with, to share concerns with, to receive opinion from. I felt a heavy burden and alone. I often had sleepless nights filled with hesitancy, questioning and frustration.
“I always wondered if I was advising my children appropriately or disciplining them too much or too little, or whether I alone should shoulder the responsibility of directing their growth. I questioned my right, as well as my abilities to raise them on my own.
“In recent years, my adult daughters shared their feelings about their childhood with me. What has been mentioned most often is the vacuum in their lives caused by the lack of a caring mother. They felt deserted by her.
“As the childhood years passed, they often sought, but seldom found mother replacements. They were snubbed by their mother and, to some degree, other women.
“No female wanted to develop too close a relationship with them. I believe they may have felt they would be, intruding on the girl’s and their mother’s relationship, through they didn’t know that there was no relationship.
“I often look at the positive aspects of those years. I developed relationshps with my daughters that most fathers only dream about, ones which are solid, open, respectful and, quite apparently, lifelong.
“They honestly share themselves and their life’s experiences with me and I with them.”
A North Dakota dad
