Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Single dad finds little or no support

January 10, 1992

I received the following letter from a North Dakota man who discussed his perspectives as a single parent.

“Lest you dismiss this letter as another male rights activist venting his spleen, I have custody of my two small children.”

Little support

“My first comment revolves around people’s attitudes about a father who wishes to obtain custody. There is virtually no support system for fathers in this situation. Attorneys discourage these actions. Social workers are unsupportive.

“Friends accuse divorcing fathers of vindictiveness. ‘Be a man, put your feelings aside, and accept the inevitable,’ they tell you.”

“Once custody is gained, a father faces all sorts of one-the-job discrimination for being on the daddy track. Sick leave, granted easily to single and wedded mothers, is seldom granted to single fathers.

“In one place I worked, single mothers were given time off with pay while I had to take unpaid leave. Many times, I have been told I must choose between my children and my career by well-meaning but basically ignorant supervisors. As recently as last week, I was told I should give up my children to pursue my career.

“Almost 16 percent of all single parent families are headed by males in this region. That figure translates to 377 households. Virtually none of these male parents have custody of children as young as mine.

“In the small community where I reside, there are no single fathers. Thus, it is impossible to get a support network of reciprocal babysitters, especially since many single mothers are reticent to leave their children with an adult male.

“I believe this is either because they feel he cannot care for infants or because of residual ill feelings toward males from an unhappy, perhaps abusive marriage, or perhaps because of unrealistic relationship expectations.

“Many of the single male custodial parents rely upon their mothers, parents, or perhaps another relative to actually care for their children.”

Relationship problems

“Relationships are a difficult matter. In the words of one well-meaning individual, I was told to, ‘get yourself a good Christian woman to help you raise those babies.’

“On the one hand, such women are increasingly rare in this age of feminism and career. On the other, I would not consider a relationship based only upon getting a babysitter out of the deal.

“Another problem is that I have had difficulties with babysitters who are seeking relationships and feel the best way to get at me is to go through my children.

“Having such small children has been a difficult issue for some women I have dated because of the realities of raising children is more than they are prepared to undertake, even though I try to separate such issues.

“Another question which might be addressed is the issue of perceived masculinity, the wimp factor in raising small children alone. 

“Most assuredly, changing diapers, fixing formula and having teething crackers on the floor of the car is not conducive to creating a masculine image. But if one is not a wimp, then society has a difficult time understanding how a father can be nurturing, affectionate and loving toward his children.

“Back to the stereotypical notions about parenting upon which most custody cases ae decided. 

Hostility from single mothers

“A final issue is the very real and hostile reaction that single fathers receive from many single mothers and their support groups.

“Single fathers are defacto isolated because we represent a .threat to an established system of granting custody to mothers. We are not ‘deadbeat dads’" and share almost every problem faced by single mothers, but we are not welcome.

“In Minnesota, I once called a support group and the individual became angry at me without provocation and hung up the phone, saying that her’state-funded organization did not serve men.”

Role model 

“As I have mentioned previously, these anecdotal issues are being related to you in hopes that you will address some of them in your column.

“It is obvious that this society has established a pattern of marriage and divorce, where society has elected to keep child custody and child rearing a female or feminist issue. I have dealt with these issues in my own way.

“I even consider myself a role model for others because I have no role models for myself. I have never met anyone in my situation, although the common wisdom is, ‘there have to be others.’

“I would also hope that you would address the impact upon children who are raised in a household headed by a male. Sometimes I have to laugh at my 6-year-old daughter, who has adopted very feminine attitudes.

“I worry about whether she is attempting to assume too much responsibility in the otherwise all-male household. I also worry about my son for different reasons, because he has no female influences for virtually his whole life.”

It sounds like, on the issue of males and single, parenting, sexism can go the other direction.

This letter comes from a man who has been down that lonely road. His anger or frustration pales in comparison to other men who feel they are the more capable parent and are denied physical custody.