Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Montana Farm Woman Feels Useless, Isolated, Stupid

March 16, 1998

Dear, Dr. Farmer,

I sold my business, home and left family and friends in hopes to marry a good man and a farmer. I don't know if the decision I made was a stupid mid-life crisis decision. I am interested to know if there are other women out there that have done the same thing and now find it was a bad mistake.

It was my understanding from the start that I would use my business skills to help make the farm better, bigger and more profitable. This has not come about. Mostly what I do is cook, clean, clean and clean some more. It seems like the only skills I have now are maid service and driving truck.

My husband and brother farm together. It seems like they are only interested in making the farm a success for my brother-in-law's children. The farm is in their family and that is all they think about. It didn't take me long to realize that there was no place on the farm to use my talents.

My husband is a good man but my skills aren't being used. I feel lied to, isolated and really at the end of my rope.

I have tried to change my attitude - things will change. I have tried jobs in town. The pay is seasonal and terrible. I left a good job with a professional income and now I can only make $5.00 an hour and its seasonal.

Are there are other women that have done the same thing I have done? If so, what have they done to make the situation better? I do not want to leave my husband and home. I want to make this work, but I am at my wit's end trying to find a way to be here and help on the farm.

My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I feel useless. I feel isolated. I left family and friends. I feel stupid. Why did I give up a good job at home for a man. There are days when I just want to get in my car and go home and then there are days when I feel the world would be a better place without me.

I really need to hear that there are other women going through what I'm going through. I want and need solutions. I already know the problems. -A Montana farm woman.

It is a common dilemma for women in rural areas, including city-raised transplants, to feel frustrated by the limited opportunities in rural areas or to be challenged by farm family dynamics. Yet many have found ways of expressing their talents despite their rural isolation.

- Be creative. It takes ingenuity and creativity to find or develop a niche for oneself. It may mean starting a home-based business, getting involved in art or volunteer work, telecommuting, or even commuting long distances to employment. I have met a surprising number of couples who have a commuting marriage to keep careers and sanity intact.

- Get included. You say your real need is to be included in the farm and exercise your talents to help the farm succeed. You have entered a closed family system where existing family goals and management keep you as an outsider.

What role do you want? What are your farming interests? Where do you see your talents fitting in and contributing to farm growth. What are the weaknesses in the existing business? Could you train in those areas?

Once you have answered those questions, approach your husband with frankness. He needs to know how desperate you are to be included. He needs to know how you would like things to be.

Hopefully he will be understanding of how important this is and the two of you can figure out what changes need to be made. He will need courage to negotiate these changes with his brother.

Individualize the growth in equity. Also, your letter suggests that you have no children together. Under the present circumstances, your brother-in-law's family will stand to benefit from all your husband's and, hopefully, your efforts. What is the nature of the business arrangement? How does your husband benefit? What does he see happening to the farm someday?

Maybe it will upset the apple cart, but the idea needs to be put forth that you and your husband need to have your equity grow and be distinct from the overall growth of the farm. This will ensure that all your efforts in farming aren't accruing to the nieces and nephews. It makes sense to split the farm someday when each family's goals diverge.

Go for help. Your talk of running away or feeling the world would be better off without you is frightening. Seek professional help for depression. You need to sort through your situation with someone who can offer you hope and a plan of action. Try to bridge the gap between you and your husband on these topics. Establish the primacy of your bond. If he doesn't get it, then the two of you need to go for marital counseling.

Advice wanted from transplanted farm women. This reader is soliciting insights and validation from other farm women. Do you feel the same way or have been in this position? Have you found a way to become included or a useful release for your talents? Please email your advice.