Moving: Don't Forget The Kids

Do you want to move to a bigger house? To a different neighborhood? Does your work require you to move? Military transfer? Or is it more traumatic - a divorce, death or bankruptcy? Whatever the case, moving is one of life's most stressful experiences.

If you move this year, you'll join 41 million other Americans - including six million children. Everything changes. Everything is new. People. Work. Places. You lose the familiar. You start over.

You won't belong anymore. It takes effort to fit into a new location. Researchers say it takes six to 18 months to feel comfortable with a move. Feelings of loss, anxiety, anger, sadness, and fear are normal for parents and children.

Children who move six or more times are 77 percent more likely to have behavioral problems and 35 percent are more likely to fail a grade. True, certain types of families that move often increase the negative statistics, but getting used to new rules, teachers, expectations, curricula, friends and surroundings also takes its toll on children.

Denver clinical psychologist Thomas Olkowski has surveyed 2,500 elementary and middle school age children about their experiences with moving. He also works with families who have difficulties adjusting to moves. In his book, "Moving with Children: A Parent's Guide to Moving with Children," he outlines how a family move affects children and he gives effective coping strategies for dealing with a move.

Most children don't like to move. Their anger, resentment, sullenness, tantrums and resistance are normal. They can be excited one minute, worried the next or even heartbroken the next. Happy-go-lucky kids suddenly become moody, insecure and apprehensive. Children in the same family can have different emotional schedules about the move. Sometimes they ignore the move and act like it won't happen.

Children want predictability in their lives. They worry about making new friends. They wonder about their new school. Will it be too hard or different? They feel bad about losing their friends, their room, home and neighborhood.

Older teens especially resent a move. Moving disrupts their own quest for identity and separateness at a time when pulling away from family is natural for them. They are giving up social ties, jobs and activities that are a part of who they are.

What can parents do? Doing a few things can ease emotions - before and after the move. The family can plan their move together and act as a team in creating successful adjustments.

Parents can explain their own feelings of loss and apprehension and normalize the experience for their children. They can explain why the move is necessary and engage in dialogue about it. They need to take time to listen to their children and let them air complaints and feelings. A common mistake parents make is to paint too rosy a picture.

Issues of death and divorce need to be dealt with, besides all the changes caused by the move. Counseling or support groups are extremely helpful.

Tips for parents:

• Tell children early so they can make their own adjustments and say goodbyes properly. This will give others a chance to recognize they are leaving.

• Help them say goodbye to your house by encouraging them to plant a flower or leave a gift. They can leave a list of names and ages of the children in the neighborhood and describe what is special about the house or community.

• If Realtors are showing the house, get the kids away while the "Looky-Lou's" are poking around.

• Involve children in house hunting, but only after you have narrowed your choices. They tend to fall in love with the first thing they see.

• Let the children help pack their own dearest possessions and let them choose the things they want to throw or give away.

• In your new location, set up the children’s rooms first.

• Make the move in the summer. In fall, they will start school new with everybody else.

• Give them time to know their new neighborhood without having to cope with a new school and friends all at once. Go exploring together.

• Enroll them in activities so they can make friends before school starts. Meeting children at church will also give them a head start.

• Let teachers and counselors know that your child is new. If you arrive after the school year has started, take time to learn the basic classroom and school ground rules. Be sure introductions are made.

Advice from children who have moved: Be yourself Relax. Don't brag. Don't always talk about where you came from. Don't show off too much. Don't try to carry on the traditions and styles of your old community. Be friendly.

A move can be a growth experience as children form new friendships and adapt to new circumstances. They need help to make it a positive experience. Don't forget the kids.