Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

How To Tell If A Spouse Has Been Unfaithful

October 16, 1995

At least a quarter of women and a third of men are romantically and/or sexually unfaithful to their marriage partners. Those are the minimum statistics on extra-marital affairs gathered by researchers. Reality is higher. Infidelity is built on lies and cloaked in secrecy, duplicity and denial.

What are the consequences? Worldwide, it is the number one cause for breakups of marriages and living together relationships. Irrational jealousy and lack of trust are also causes for marital unhappiness and breakups. Families are torn apart. Trust is shattered. Betrayal devastates lives. Hearts are broken.

How can you tell if your partner is unfaithful? Are you pushing your partner away with your insecurities and unfounded accusations?

It is a riddle that many people torment themselves with as they notice things that don't make sense or feel in their gut something is wrong. "Am r crazy or am I a fool?" It becomes more complicated when unfaithful mates try to convince their partners they are fools in order to cover up an affair. It is an attack on the psychological integrity and self-confidence of their mate and is almost as bad as the affair itself.

Psychologists Todd Shackelford and David Buss of the University of Michigan have studied the clues to sexual and romantic-emotional infidelity. Romantic-emotional infidelity occurs when the emotional resources of romantic love are channeled to someone other than one's long-term partner. Here are some of their findings.

Clues to romantic-emotional infidelity involve changes in signals of love. Some behaviors are quite subtle.

  • Tells partner that he or she isn't happy or in love anymore.
  • Fails to reciprocate vows of love.
  • Acts nervous when questioned about feelings for another.
  • Notes or letters professing love for someone else are discovered. Is more critical of partner.
  • Starts talking about the relationship in past tense or the uncertainty of the future.
  • Becomes quiet, withdrawn and emotionally distant. Cuts conversation short.
  • Shares feelings less.
  • Refuses to look partner in the eye.
  • Shows a sudden interest in clothing and appearance.
  • Spends a lot of time with an opposite sex "friend."
  • Tells small lies about whereabouts. 
  • Voice is excited when discussing an opposite sex friend. Unexplained gifts turn up.
  • Physical affection is withdrawn.
  • Becomes cold and unfeeling.

Clues to sexual infidelity involve changes in sex-related behavior. Some behaviors are quite subtle.

  • Calls out another name in the heat of passion.
  • Scents and smells are detected that signal sex with someone else.
  • Insists on using condoms.
  • Refuses to have sex with his or her partner.
  • Suddenly has increase or decrease in sexual interest.
  • Suddenly has an increase in sexual skills.
  • Acts guilty after sex.
  • Acts distracted or bored while having sex.
  • Spends more time that usual with friends - without a partner present.
  • Acts nervous or defensive about a particular person's name in conversations.
  • Acts unusually guilty when partner does something nice for him or her.
  • Acts overly nice toward partner.
  • Acts guilty but refuses to talk about it.
  • Suddenly acts turned off when partner initiates sexual activity.

These clues overlap because most affairs involve both aspects of infidelity. One clue may be quite suggestive, but generally it is many clues occurring together in a pattern that arouse suspicion.

If your partner is obviously loves you, puts you first, cares about your happiness and consistently meets your needs, then looking for clues and entertaining doubts is unnecessary and destructive. However, if there is a noticeable falloff in communication, affection and interest in the relationship, then some of these clues might help explain what is really happening.