Dr. Val FarmerDr.Val
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Rural Mental Health & Family Relationships

Readers Respond About Threats To Family Life

April 24, 2000

I received several letters and e-mails responding to a previous column on threats to family life and parenting. Here are some highlights.

On religion and family values. "I appreciated your mention of God. If this world were not so secular, I believe more experts would come right out and say that the family is failing because they do not adhere to God's rules originally set forth in the Bible. What a ‘simple’ solution to a failing world view." –via e-mail

Role of fathers. "I would like to add another area that should be part of "not enough parenting" – or should I say, ‘Not enough head-of-the-home from fathers and husbands.’ I believe that the father must be the spiritual head of the home. So many mothers are assuming this role today because the husband is so busy and tired trying to make a living. I really believe that they need to take charge and be head, not the wife and mother¼

"Our home gets out-of whack when I try ‘running things’ without my husband leading. I believe that the Bible says that in marriage, the husband must love his wife and the wife must respect her husband. When this isn't happening, things get out-of-whack also. The Bible has the answers for so many problems that the home and family is experiencing today." –via e-mail

Nothing new. "My personal experiences of several decades¼ clearly indicate to me: (1) religious right believers of all time periods are very proficient at looking back to a past utopian era and current society is always on the ‘slippery slope’ with the ‘end’ likely forthcoming shortly if we do not change our ways to their belief in God/Yahweh spiritual orientation. (2) Historical records indicate to me every decade, century, millennium have experienced at least 9 ideas of problems of the human society of their era." – a common lay person (reader from Wisconsin).

Two income families. "To add to your list – I think the trend is to put down ‘stay-at-home’ mothers and make them feel less than dirt, has not helped the way ‘our children’ are raised. Since men’s salaries, farm occupation or otherwise, cannot support our current lifestyles, women are forced into the work force.

"This means both parents, if the children are fortunate enough to be raised in a two parent home, are too exhausted to pay attention to where their children are, what movies or TV programs they are watching, what type of video games they are playing or who their friends are. What we need is a return to traditional values, the ‘leave it to Beaver’ family stereotype and putting God first as a family and a nation." - An Iowa reader

Materialism driven by TV. "Ten years ago my husband and I moved from a crowded city on the West Coast to raise our family on ‘the farm’. When we finally arrived on the farm with our 7 kids we threw out our TV. We had long ago began to home-school them and I have always stayed home with our children despite sometimes severe financial hardship! But now we live where we can do all number of projects –garden and animal – with the children spending time together and building strong relationships!

"BUT that is not what we found when we came to our rural community! We found Moms taking their little ones off the farm and dumping them in daycare while they worked in town so they could keep the new care, clothes, etc., of the city cousins¼ We see children raised much more by the institutions of public school, Sunday School, school sports, etc. than by God-fearing parents (or any parents!). What is behind all this? You, Dr. Farmer, hit the nail right on the head! Materialism driven by watching TV." – An Iowa reader

Respect, keeping busy. "If there would be a #10 on your list, it might be lack of respect for oneself, (drug, alcohol abuse, ‘early’ sexual activity) for others, parents, teachers, others in authority. ¼ We almost never have the television on, have no computer or Internet hook up yet, and yet our days are SO busy with work and some community activity - even with all but one of our children gone from home." – reader from Wisconsin

Instant gratification "¼This age was ushered in with the advent of the credit card. Good heavens, I am old enough to remember having to SAVE for something before I bought it. What an outmoded concept! ¼There is no longer a connection between work and reward. All the rewards are already there without the work or the ‘delayed gratification.’

"The offspring of this is the Entitlement Mentality. ‘I am entitled to everything I want. I am angry if I don’t get it. I will take it if I want it or I will behaviorally blackmail you into giving it to me. I will make your life hell for holding me accountable for my actions. It’s all about ME.’

"My second category is ‘unearned affluence.’ We have a very healthy economy. Many people have realized wealth through investments beyond what they had ever imagined. Did they work and sweat for this? What used to be a big challenge in life - affording it - has been replaced by a comfort level getting fatter everyday. Hence the depression of having it all and having no where to go with it. No goals, nothing bigger than yourself, no delayed gratification." – a reader from Illinois